BATMOM

Oh, YES

I had a CT/PET scan yesterday. I cried my way through the radioactive sugar injection, feeling that I was spent. My needle phobias were mostly cured by a hypnotist so it must have been that darn radioactive sugar cube. (Now my clever mind has turned to my nose to protest... I gag and yes, vomit when I enter a the cancer center or now, as it fully develops, use soap that disinfects).

But just before scan, I had a moment alone. I looked at myself in the mirror and suddenly smiled. 

"It's over." I said to myself very clearly. And somehow I knew it was.

Today I met with my doctors. Scan clear. And no more chemo. We decided that I have done enough, handled it, and now we're all moving on. 

Good work, body. 

My friend goes into the hospital tomorrow for surgery... to remove her colon cancer. I really hate this stuff. this cancer. I want my life back.

Wasted day

Foggy day of sleep and nasuea. A wasted day, I can't help but think. Dinnertime with everyone, and a nightime snuggle with Adeline and inbetween... Just sleep. Now back again I go.

2

Last night we had a read-through of A Midsummer Night's Dream for Shakescene. It felt good to be back in the world of theater. I have missed it. It was also good to see old friends...

This morning Tom, Mom, and I went to hear George in the "Author" chair in his class. His sweet English teacher (who he has been lucky enough to have for 3 years) said that we should really be there to hear George read his story to the class. 

He was the first to read his book and was much more shy than he is at home. He read quietly and quickly passed over the pictures. The story, about a giant squid and the superheroes saving the world from it, had very detailed drawings: Batman was welcomed by all of the people (they raised their arms in the air "Hooray!" as he flew down to the ground), Batman and Aquaman stand on either side of the grinning squid, and the last picture shows the tentacles pulled from the giant squid and lying on the beach while Spiderman hangs from the tree. Superman, who may have been late, is on the back cover.

After kissing my oldest boy goodbye, I marched to chemo #10. My liver enzymes were back to normal. It seems it was again the antibiotics, and chemo was a go. Mom was there for the poke, my friend Nathalie came by next for some Shakespeare talk and an amazing foot massage. Tom brought lunch and then brought me home.

The kids were a little stressed by it, but so were we. 2 more chemos left and a scan on June 1. Only 2. 2. 2. 2. 2. 2.2.2.2.2.2.2.2.222222222

 

Errands Parts 2

Adeline had another day of errands. This time with me. It was a bit tricky because Tom had forgotten to put shoes on her when he put her in the car... I had to carry her everywhere or stick her in a shopping cart. We chose our errands carefully.

This afternoon my college friend Beth came over with her 2 babes. Adeline had a lot to say to her.

"I was two and then I turned three. Next I'll be four. I'm growing up to be a lady. And then I'll be a Mommy."

She thought about this for awhile.

"Then I'll be a Babu. Then a grandma. And then a Sheri."

(Her grandmother's name is Sheri).

Excellent.

Patience and Work

Adeline refused to go to school today.

"I want to do errands!" she cried, tugging on my bathrobe.

She was already seated at the breakfast table in her best dress (a bright blue dress with white embroidery) and green sandals topped with a hot pink, leather flower.

"She told me that school was closed, so she couldn't go," Mom informs me. 

Adeline loves her school, so she must just need some one-on-one time.  I was desperate to write, but Mom offered to take her. And Adeline, having her way, convinced her Babu to take her to San Francisco on the BART train where they picked out new red shoes and some extremely sparkly pink ones... The girl loves shoes like her mommy... what can I say?! She came one very happy, sparkly girl!

I managed to get in 8.5 hours of writing time on my book. It's getting closer, though still weeks away from a real first draft. Patience and work; patience and work.

elevation

NO chemo. My liver enzymes were elevated again. We think, again, because of an antibiotic. The doctor scared us, though, by having us wait in a private room.  I called Tom to join me and Mom. only liver enzymes... we can handle that. 

I had taken Ativan and kept falling asleep anywhere I was allowed to sit. I finally came home and crashed. 

One week and I return to chemoland, to try again. Until then.... enjoy!!

Up and Over

It was Park Day this weekend. Our village of families that surround San Luis Park come together with food and catch up. It's a day we look forward to each year. 

This year there were more kids. Last year there were more babies. It makes sense. But the activity level skyrocketed. Boys were jumping over other boys and wrestling on the grass. Adeline and Maddy (a granddaughter of a neighbor)  explored the trails and felt their freedom. Our kids found a dead squirrel and screamed for all of the other kids to come and see it. Despite the cold, the youngins (no longer myself) were determined to jump in the pool. 

In the wee hours of tomorrow morning, my mom comes back to Berkeley. She'll escort me to chemo after a sleep in. Yes, it's chemo time again. Tomorrow afternoon I will only have 2 rounds left. I'm squeaking them out. I feel like the little train... "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can."  I'm doing it. Up and over. And goodbye cancer.

But right now it's sleep. Deb Fink was over for some shepherd's pie and vino, and now that vino has me sleepy. Good night. 

Bravo George!

This Saturday was George's piano recital. It was the first piano recital that he was not using his hands in parallel. He was excited and nervous and perfectly calm all at the same time.

He put on his beige and brown seersucker suit (like Daddy's) and showed Cole for approval. Cole went over each item piece by piece:

"Mommy, I want a white shirt with white buttons and a striped jacket with the same pants. I want brown shoes and a tie with boats just like that."

"How do I look, Cole?" George asked, getting back to the point. 

"Handsome," Cole answered. "But can I have that suit when you're done?"

"One day it will be too small for me and Mommy will give it to you. That's what she does. I get things from Jimmy and Xavier and you get things from me. Adeline gets new things because she's the same size as Louisa."

"So I can have it when you're done?"

"Sure."

George clung to me as he waited for his turn. He would seem nervous to people observing, but that's not the right word. He was also enjoying being the only Clyde kid and getting all of the attention. He also uses any excuse to snuggle. He's been watching recitals for the past 2 years and sees playing for people as something that you do. I like that. There's no room for stage fright. Performing is part of learning an instrument... sharing...

He looked so little walking towards the big, shiny black piano. He climbed onto the bench and launched into "Lightly Row" almost instantly. He stumbled once but didn't let that fluster him... an ability he did not get from me... and played it beautifully. I was a wreck. My heart was beating so loudly I was afraid the woman next to the coconut cupcakes was going to ask me to keep it down.  Babu, Grandma, Tom and I were all there, but it was the entire audience that went wild. George bowed and, I think, noticed the raucous of applause, but he was still in the zone and came down the stairs for a big hug. 

I will post a video when I get it from my mom. Bravo George!

Silly silly me

I asked Cole's piano teacher what the date was yesterday when I wrote her a check.

"I don't know." she answered honestly. I put May 1 on the check just in case. It wasn't until I bought tickets to a concert tonight that I realized it was past May 11 (I'm still not sure of the exact date as the concert is on another day). May 11 is my Dad's birthday. I never forget that. I just forget when it's actually May 11. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DA! I'm sorry I didn't call.

As long as I'm apologizing for missed birthdays, my youngest sister turned 30 on May 3. I marked the day and emailed but could not find her Aussie mobile number... So HAPPY BIRTDAY JULES!... Your present is almost on it's way! It's on the counter next to the back door waiting to be mailed... At least it's wrapped!!

I could go on but it's embaressing to go back beyond May. Let's stop there.

I haven't written a word, beyond my blog, this week. I am organizing an outdoor production of A Midsummer Night's Dream and casting and scheduling and putting costumes together. There's also a feast involved with 150 people and a roasted pig. It's on June 6. I hope everyone is coming!

Week 2 from chemo seems worlds away from cancer. In 4 days I turn back into cancer patient and until then I am a torpedo of energy, attempting to cram everything in. People tell me to slow down and take care. But why? So I can wax poetic on my port infusions and night sweats? I like to move and dance and feel alive when I can and do and am.

George's good friend's father died 2 years ago.

"It was cancer, " George told me yesterday. I knew this but I didn't realize George did.

"It was a different type of cancer than I have," I said almost defensively. George nodded his head before I finished.

"I know that," he said confidently as if I was his younger sibling. "You have the kind of cancer that doesn't make you die."

I was silent, trying to navigate these unchartered waters. The experts we've seen have told us to let the kids' questions dictate the conversation. He was telling me how it was and not asking me. And besides... I am not dying of cancer right now.

"I am lucky that there are surguries I can do and medicine that I can take. Some people are not so lucky."

"yeah. Like [ ]'s dad."

"Yeah."

George ran upstairs to put on his knight costume. And I found a seat. I am a much better actress than I ever gave myself credit for, I thought. My voice hadn't cracked and my knees didn't knock. Maybe I should cast myself in a Shakespeare role! Upon reflection, I'd rather spend my evening at the dessert table (I organized the desserts. I know how good they are going to be)!