I am slowly regaining energy and strength and feel that my brain is becoming my friend again. I'm not so terrified to think the dark thoughts that are real and constant and ever-present. I am getting better at voicing those fears, acknowledging their existence, and then staring them down and inviting them them leave.
I have found that if I allow myself the thoughts (and don't run and hide from them) then I have some control. Thoughts aren't reality. Fears aren't fact. If I voice my worst fears, I am able to pull them in perspective, loosen their power over me, and begin to find my optimism. It's a practice... a work in progress... I get better at it the more I do it.
Tom and I have started our cancer support groups again (his for the caregiver and me, the patient). Our groups are next door to each other. I can sometimes hear him through the wall, and I know he hears me (my laugh is loud, and we do laugh). I was in need of a community where there is sympathy but no time for dwelling on it. We tell our sad stories like AA introductions. "I'm Renee. I have stage 4 colon cancer which has spread to my liver. I was diagnosed in 2008." No one cries at the introduction. These are the facts. Crying comes when the patients talk of their spouses, children, caretakers coping (children, caregivers) with our illness.
We are awaiting some genetic test results to find out what the next plan on action is. Is there another chemo option? Is there a clinical trial? Do I have liver surgery before or after chemo? I have another scan at the beginning of April which will help determine the next step. We leave for Australia days later for my sister Juliet's wedding, the prospect of which makes the whole family excited.
The kids are doing well despite our anxiety. Tom and I went on a field trip with Cole's class this week. I am trying to get out more... walk more... We took a long walk through Tilden Park with a determined park ranger, 16 4 and 5 year olds, and a displaced newt.
Dear Coley, for a while I lost track of you, so just got on your blog now. I am so sorry to hear about your extended battle. (i see your last entry was 2 months ago) how are you doing now? I hope your sweet family is doing okay under the circumstance. My thoughts are with you. I am sending lots of love and good wishes your way!
Posted by: Soyeba | June 01, 2011 at 11:49 PM
You must also realize that just like anziety the fear is something you can control, you can either accept it and live with it, or you can dwell on it. But you always have a choice.
Posted by: Chris | June 27, 2011 at 01:41 AM
I really see that the kids are enjoying. And i also see that those kids are willing to listen and learn. Thanks for posting.
Posted by: Buy 4 Less | July 16, 2011 at 12:45 PM
Hello,
I have a question about your blog. Please email me!
Thanks,
David
Posted by: David Haas | September 23, 2011 at 07:31 AM