I have taken a big breather from the Batmom blog as you know. I appreciate all of your emails and love your enthusiasm. I do not plan to turn Batmom back into a daily blog at this time, but will post updates from time to time.
Last month on the day after Cole's fifth birthday (Oct. 4), I had a CT scan. Tom and I were very nervous as I have never had a second clear scan. We did a lot of bickering and hugging and avoiding, but celebrated when we got the ALL CLEAR report from Dr. Warren. Every time the scan is clear, the chance of having the cancer return decreases.
I'll do the scans every 4 months for 5 years. We have a long way to go, but taking one day at a time is something I have been forced to appreciate.
I look at Adeline, now 3 and 1/2, and still cry for the time missed. Only 9 months old when the cancer was discovered, she has spent formative years with a mother who was only partially present. While I knew I had to take the treatment that gave me less than 50% odds of being around to take them to school, I could not always take them to school during the treatments. I did the best I could and, yes, family and friends rallied so well that Adeline, Cole, and George always felt a bubble of love protecting them. And Tom more than made up for my failings. He gathered the 3 in his arms and, like a warrior, protected them from the elements as best he could.
It is not that Adeline was more effected by the trauma than everyone else. That's not why I first think of her when I look back. It's that she and I were still joined when the news hit. She still thought that she was a part of my body. I carried her against my chest as I went about my daily business. Her music was my heartbeat. And within days and surgery, I could no longer carry her. I was forced away from her during my time at the hospital and when I was back and did hold her, my seemingly weak body leaked fear. Could she depend on this person? This mom? Adeline learned early and fast that she needed to be strong. And she is.
Interestingly, both Adeline and George are testing me now. I am strong again myself and they push to make sure I am someone on which to depend. George is free to get mad at me now, not worrying he will hurt my body or my feelings. Adeline gets angry and then really wants a hug and to be held close enough to once again feel that heartbeat.
I think Cole expressed himself emotionally along the way. If he was worried, he buried himself under the blankets with me at the time. He's humming along right now, feeling the fog of the last 3 years begin to rise. He doesn't wear one super hero costume anymore, he wears 5 or more at once. I guess he's become super powerful!
George is seeking autonomy in his 6 year old life. He wants to do everything and know everything. For George, knowledge is power. He grilled us on Santa Claus and super heroes and the Easter Bunny. He promises not to tell his brother and sister that these "people" don't exist (unfortunately he tells us this in a very loud whisper!). He's really discovered reading to himself and I must admit, though the car is quiet, I miss his questions and ruminations.
Adeline keeps up with her brothers for the most part. She claims to speak French (though she has been at the French school for less than 2.5 months), play piano (never having had a lesson), and read. And knowing Adeline, it may all be true quite soon!
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