BATMOM

Opium

I had an emotional roller coaster of a day. I haven't been eating well (at all) because of food issues and am feeling very loopy... and then irritable and sometimes both. Lucky family. 

 I made it out to tea with a friend and then picked up a new medical prescription. Opium. Cool. (Actually, I'm always a little freaked out by myself, altered... worried to upset the brain's delicate balance to which I have previously referred). A few hours after taking the tiny amount of opium, I felt less sane, but better. I was even able to eat three courses at an early birthday dinner for Tom, which was arranged by his parents. It's nice to eat. Eating works. I feel slightly more sane, post food, as I now go to bed. Of course, this sanity will change when I take my opium. And so goes my day. life. day.

Write

Writing a blog entry is a style adjustment for me these days. I am immersed in the book I'm working on, and communicating about the daily toils and joys of the Clydes' lives is suddenly more difficult.

I remind myself that I began the blog to give people easy access to my heath status. It helps me feel closer to my family and friends far away. It helps nearby friends and family know why I've been absent for awhile and haven't returned phone calls. People don't have to worry and wonder. If I write how I'm doing, I don't have to retell the tale. 

I also like the daily practice of writing. The more I write, the more I want to write.

There is so much talk of me on my blog, and I'm not my favorite subject. In fiction, I can create a new character and get away from myself. On my blog, I try to be honest about how I'm feeling so that I'm truly sharing. Me, me, me, blah, blah, blah

I am having continued side effects that, I think, will affect my next treatment. It will likely be reduced. There's a study coming out (or has come out) about the effectiveness of 6 rounds of chemo versus 12 in metastatic colon cancer. As I am heading next week into round 6, I am anxious for the results and plan to hold off any further treatments beyond 6 until the study does surface. 

I have a CT scan next week that I'm hoping shows nothing. The anxiety has started however, and I'm trying to sleep at night. 

I keep busy. I always keep busy. I write. Then I write more. 

Managing

Slowly coming out of the chemo haze... I hope to even check messages tomorrow. 

I managed to pick up Adeline from school and take Cole to a play date. Then I slept. 

Mom's off on a golf trip. And the boys are off school. But we're managing. My husband rocks.

Here he is with Adeline:

 

Day 2

Day 2 of chemo, and I spent it in bed. I was tired and sick to my stomach, but I didn't feel as bad as I have other days. Granted the worse days are still to come... and the better ones, too.

I did piano practice with George, read the kids a story, and put Adeline to bed. Tom did everything else. And managed to run and get my medicine twice. 

I was nervous about this chemo round due to side effects. Fear, Fear, Fear, Fun, Fun, Fun...

To make me feel better I replayed in my mind Adeline's version of Ramone's "Hey Ho! Let's Go. Put it in the back seat. Generate the heat. Hey! Ho!" And Cole and George, after refusing my lullabies, protesting with a dueling "Who let the dogs out? Who? Who?"

Here they are at their first slumber party with each other:

 

 
  
  

It was a slow start to chemo today. We needed some answers from a doctor regarding side effects. After seeing him, we went on as planned. 100% dose. 

Tom was with me. I needed him there as I was shaky. I thought I'd pass out after the port poke. But I managed to keep it together after a quick sit down. 

Babu has been mostly with me at chemo through this run, and I remembered why. It was a huge relief to have Tom's love and energy with me, but I can also see the pain and hell on his face as he watches everything. I try to keep him from that, mostly, but now and again I just need to hold his hand. He's more than willing to come, but I think switching between Mom and him is better for all of us. 

I got nauseated quite quickly and was given an Ativan, which kind of has me loopy right now. 

Here's a picture I took on a walk with the family. It makes me feel hope. Beauty does that.

 
 
 

Good night!

Tahoe

We've been up in Tahoe for the past four days playing in the snow.

The boys took ski lessons. Tom did some runs, and I got to snowboard (for the first time in over 6 years). I was rusty, but it was still great fun. Tom insisted that I wear a helmut. And considering past  falls, I think it was the right decision.

Cole and George LOVED their ski lessons. Cole swaggered towards us:

 

 Post-skiing, corn on the cobba for George:

 
 
  Adeline ski bunny sports the new look: upside down goggles. 

 
 The Risz family joined us. They too ate corn.

 

 

 

The Clyde kids wanted to bounce in a bungee style setting. George uncharacteristically wanted to go first. He and Cole whooped and hollered as they bounced. Adeline wanted to go as well provided she could "go slow." She wasn't scared of it, she just wanted it to go slow and seemed to enjoy the multiple employees who tried to get her to go faster, jump higher as she bounced her slow steady bounce.

 
 

 
 
 

 

 
 Amy and I, who did the cabin clean-up, earned an afternoon run of our own. Fun! The boys all had a blast together, running and singing and, yes, yelling. They had long late-night (8:15Pm for them) conversations over half-filled mugs of tepid  hot chocolate... about the various powers of superheroes and who could beat whom when necessary. Deep stuff. Really. It is right now. 

Me and the boys (post faded navel orange... sorry).

 

Bliss. It's hard to believe that today it's the speed and recklessness of snowboarding and tomorrow it's crappy chemo.

HAIR

As I have said before, my sister was in town two weeks ago from Australia. Her plan was set to arrive on Saturday morning at 10:30ish. And at approximately 8:45 am, I decided to dye my hair. It's grown back in brown and mousey since my last chemo set of 12. I've never had brown hair and I don't take kindly to it... I've been trying to get into see my hairdresser but she's been booked solid, so I bought a kit. It's been sitting on my vanity desk daring me to try it every time I step into the bathroom. The model on the front has beautiful whitish hair and a winning smile. Her grounded confidence tells me that that this is the GREATEST hair dye and what could possible go wrong with a color like that. All will be exactly as I want it to be.  

At 9:20, I took off the towel.

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That is my brain computing (for the next five minutes as I stood shell-shocked looking in the mirror) that my hair was the color of a large faded valencia orange.

I decided to put the stuff back on my hair and try again. I did this with mixed results. 

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I was now pineapple syrup poured over a large faded valencia orange.

I showed Tom who could normally care less about my hair.

"Oh no!" he said putting his hands over his mouth and moving them down slowly off of his face by way of his chin. "What are you going to do? We have to leave to pick up Juliet."

"I can't pick up Juliet. She won't know who I am."

I grabbed a hat and ducked in the car.

"Why'd you paint your hair Mom?" asked Cole. "I want to do that."

We were all there when Jules arrived. I stood on the front row as she exited customs so that she would recognize me. She did. Whew!

After a breakfast near Ocean Beach, we returned home where Jules helped me try to dye my hair some more. What are sisters for anyway?! We got it back to an almost inoffensive tangelo. I left panicked voice mails for my hairdresser. 

Juliet is a willing shopper so we hit many of my old favorite stores in San Francisco. We also made it up to Napa Valley for the day. On another day we took her for a cable car ride and to see the sea lions. We ended up on a merry-go-round on a pier. She went grocery shopping. Took kids to school. Attended Cole's art class. Went to the playground. And the park (Golden Gate Park). And then we got lice. (At least Juliet was spared that). Welcome to my world (minus much of the city shopping and fine wine)! 

 

   
 

Froggy Socks

I'm very excited. We started our writing workshop this evening. Five serious writers I respect in a small space. Of course we didn't do any actual writing or reading of our work... But we will! Tonight was about goals, how we will proceed, length of piece, time, timers, etc...

Adeline is sick and either Tom or I ran up the stairs to our coughing girl most of the evening. She expects one of us to be holding her when a cough wakes her up and is quite peeved when we are not. Poor sweetie. She told me this afternoon that her feet were so sick they needed froggy socks. 

And now I'm off to hold her in her froggy socks.

Interpretation

Here are two children's books that my kids love and have loved. And here is director Werner Herzog giving his reading and interpretation. Enjoy!

Lice Lady

I was sad to see the lice lady go today. She's come twice now and spent many hours with our family. She combs through our hair, plays movies for the kids and makes them laugh. She finds the grown ups a comfortable seat and explains all we need to do and reminds me of what I almost forgot... "Did you put all of your sweaters in the dryer? Adeline's headbands in the freezer?"

Today was the follow-up to make sure that we were all lice free. Yippee. We're free! Lori (the Lice Lady) lovingly picked up Adeline to put her on the yellow stool that says, "Sandy" on its square seat. Adeline accepted the arrangement quickly and smiled quietly (interesting, I noted). She bravely and happily let Lori comb out her hair and place in different colored clips (NOT PINK). Adeline cried when Lori told me that she was finished. Adeline determined that this meant 1.) a nap and 2.) the end of her Lightning McQueen viewing and began to wail. 

After the nap was underway and Mom was done, Lori checked me. Mom had told her last time that I was in cancer treatment, and it turns out she's had her own cancer. Lucky her (that's sarcasm if you don't know it). Really.... despite this blog where I write a heck of a lot about my cancer... I don't talk about it much. I don't have to anyway. As a friend who is traveling down her own cancer street said yesterday, "I don't want to have my entire identity be that of a cancer patient." It's not that I won't talk about it. I'm "happy" to do so. But I also have other things to say. My mind is as ready and willing to experience and translate as it ever was. I want to continue my growth as an individual and artist in spite of, in harmony with, my current health predicament. 

Lori asked me if it hurt. The cancer. No. Specifics hurt. Generalities don't. I consider the cancer a generality. Take that, cancer. 

She then told me I was "clean," and that I should lie down and take a nap. 

"Why?" I asked, forgetting the whole cancer thing. She smiled. 

"Oh," I said remembering and registering. "No I don't think I will." 

She was packing up her big black box of combs and potions on wheels. I watched 4 episodes of some inane sitcom on my first day off chemo before I realized I hated it. What a waste. I should have laid down and taken a nap then. 

She rolled the box to the door and lingered. I think she'll miss us, I thought. Maybe not for long but I'll miss her, too. Yes, yes, we joked about not wanting to see her again. I said in all seriousness, "I would like to see you just not under these circumstances." And she was gone, out the door, her little box trailing her like a little dog.