BATMOM

Batman Baby

I have been somewhat muted the past few days. I have taken Ativan to make me sleep for the past two nights. There were way too many restless nights. And I don't feel myself.

The kids went to Grandmas in the morning, and I don't really know what I accomplished. Laundry, clean up, a shower, and lunch. I tried to write, but I ended up moving the words around on the page.

I spied on Cole and Adeline when we arrived at Grandma's house. They were so sweet and happy playing with each other. Cole was throwing himself on the bed and rolling around in pillows and calling for Adeline to do it as well. He was the Batman baby daddy (Grandma told me). Adeline held the soft Batman doll to her chest and said Batman baby needed to go to sleep. She put him down on the bed for his nap. Batman baby looked strange to me.

Adeline spotted me in the doorway. "He has an owie." Upon closer inspection, Batman was covered in 20+ bandaids.  "He [Batman] did this," said Cole and contorted himself into a very strange position and then threw himself onto the floor. "Ouch," I said, "No wonder he has so many bandaids." Adeline picked her Batman baby up and looked closely at his bandaids. "He has an ouchie. He needs a medicine popsicle."

Adeline was tired and went pretty easily to the car. Cole said he didn't want to leave. In fact, he never wanted to leave. "You want to stay here by yourself." "No!" said Cole, "with Adeline."

Scary

Yesterday the kids went to our friend Kheira's house. There were 10 kids and happy chaos when we arrived from the doctor's office. George had 4 crepes!

Today we carted them off to Santa Cruz. We thought the boardwalk would be open or the train would be running, but everything was closed. It was a sweet trip just the same. We felt like we were back on our summer trip. When we stopped for gas, Cole asked if we were going to our hotel.

I don't have much to say. Everything is sinking in, and I am trying to get appointments scheduled. I am trying to get all of the pediatricians, dentists, classes, etc... into place before I lose all of my energy. I also need to go through my closet and clean it... which is truly scary. 

Meeting

Well, we met with my oncologist today. Chemo will likely begin in the next 2-3 weeks, and it will not be any easier than last time. It's all too much for me to go into much detail right now. Dr. Bergsland reminded us that the chemo makes it about 30% less likely that I have a recurrence. There's no specific evidence for my situation, but she feels strongly that we do all we can to avoid recurrence. I've been focusing on all of the reasons why I hate chemo (there's much to hate), but how can I not do all I can?

I'm still a long way from being prepared, but at least I'm heading in the right direction.

I'm really tired of the sad story. I'm preparing for a fabulously happy, sappy ending to all of this. I just have to rely on myself to write the ending I want.

 

The City

I felt like a grown-up today. I went into the city (San Francisco) for something other than a doctor's appointment! I had lunch with friend Laely and then met up with Beth.

It was supposed to be a working session with Beth, but I spent most of the time playing with her daughter Eman. I haven't spent enough time with Beth in the past year and hardly know Eman. I am currently working on a writing project featuring our adventures in Alaska. It is hard to imagine the same Beth singing "Honky tonk woman" in the back of a faded blue pick up or doing our hitchhiking dance with an over stuffed duffle bag on her back (yes, mother, I was a moron and it was fun), this same Beth who now has a one year old attached to her hip. I didn't imagine that either of us would grow up to be responsible for so many people (she's pregnant again). I didn't quite imagine that I would really grow up at all.

Tomorrow I am back to the city again. This time for a damn doctor's appointment. We'll likely get a schedule for chemo. We're trying to be brave...

Recital

It was a very full day. The boys were home. George had a friend here. Cole asked for a nap which never happens anymore. Apparently he was up in the middle of the night with his lights on... building a rocket. 

George played in his first recital today. His Grandma and Poppy were there as well as Babu and I. He did not act at all nervous as he has in the past (when he did not play). He's now seen a couple of them and assumes that this is what you do when you learn to play piano. I think he is also proud of the practice he has been doing and excited to share it.

He started with a Suzuki exercise that is a variation on "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" that he and his teacher Amelie call "See My Finger Jump Up." He then did a duet with his teacher called "Halloween." He was a little tentative with his first couple notes so I think the crowd did effect him more than he thought it would. Nevertheless, he concentrated and did really well. 

What I did not expect was that I would be physically shaking. Not violently. Perhaps I should say I was anxiously vibrating? I did not know that my own issues with stage fright would again arise with my son's piano recitals. Eek! Fortunately, his hands were steady!

He had a cookie or 2 or 3 at the reception. He was proud, but not overly. His teacher has made recitals and sharing the music a part of the process of learning piano. He did his part... and now he would like to go home and try his parents' patience with sitting still at the dinner table. Ah. fun. 

Halloween Parade

It was the school Halloween parade at Ecole Bilingue today. Adeline joined the boys at their school for the parade and stories and "witches brew." The collar of George's vampire costume began to sag and he broke his fangs. Both Adeline and Cole had accidents in their kitty costumes. We even seem to have misplaced Cole's Cool Cat costume. I might have waited to share the photos until after Halloween but we may have to revert to old costumes for the actual night!

It was very fun though Cole rejected the witches brew fearing the dried ice and witches (and large clown) who stirred the brew. Adeline, not yet at the school, was second in line for it. 

George participated in his first big parade (K-5 marches to the middle school around the corner for a play) which made him very proud. Whenever it occurred to him, he stopped what he was doing, scowled and became Dracula. "Who is Dracula?" He asked me on the way home.

Mr. Water

Halloween madness continued today as Mom and I finished costumes. The dining room was turned into sewing land and the floor was covered in pink and black fluff.

The kids also wore all orange and black to school. Halloween socks and shirts that Babu had bought for them. 

I was feeling pretty well all day. I wrote and then had a long morning tea with friend Nathalie who dropped by with extraordinary cookie dough (which we later baked up). I was even up to picking up the boys by myself. Cole brought home a friend - his first real play date.  He was very excited to be the one sitting in the back seat with a friend and goofing off. I could see that a play date was long overdue. 

George played the big brother and scared the two with his vampire fangs. He scared Adeline too who lay in the hallway half crying (she'd been woken up too early from her nap). 

As I finished up dinner and Cole's friend went home, I wondered where Cole had gone. "You should see your son," said Babu as she walked inside. He was in the sprinkler all by himself, laughing and running and dancing, in half of his Halloween costume of course. "How did he get the sprinkler on?" I asked Tom. "He must have turned it on himself." Great. Cole - Mister Water - knows how to turn on the sprinkler. (Tom informed me later that Cole had actually asked him, very politely, if he could please turn on "the springler", and Tom, distracted, had said he could.) We rushed him up for a pre-dinner bath. At least he hadn't been taking down my damp laundry from the line as I suspected.

Halloween is coming...

I had a very sleepless hard night and have been fighting off the blues all day. I have to remember that lack of sleep really effects my brain.

Mom and I worked on Halloween costumes for the kids today. They have their big Halloween day parade on Thursday at Ecole Bilingue, and I think I'll have Adeline come too. 

This is the first year she really cares. She came home from preschool yesterday telling me about the bats and pumpkins they made... and "Halloween is coming!" she says with big eyes.

She changes her mind daily about exactly what kind of pink kitty cat she will be (with tail, no tail, skirt, no skirt) . Today she even told me she wanted to be Batman, but then caught sight of her fluffy pink ears and WANTED them.

Cole can find his Cool Cat costume no matter where I hide it. The novelty of it is wearing off as a result, so I keep adding things to surprise him. Tonight I made kitty gloves. I also told him we'd paint a little black nose and whiskers on him, which made even more happy.

George wants to be a vampire. He told me he had no idea what one looked like and he was excited to see his costume so that he would know. When the BPA free fangs came in the mail, he did know to put them in his mouth, and chase his brother and sister around the dining room table screaming, "I want to suck your bloooood!"

In fact, now all three children suck each others' bloooood in interludes throughout the day. Adeline is particularly hilarious. She feigns a deep voice and says, "Babu, I wan 'oo' suck 'oor" blood." She slurps politely from far away from you (though leaning in). "Now you are a vampire." And then she usually snuggles closer for a book to be read.

owowowowo... scary... and cute.

Food and Tea

I am pretty tired tonight. I am having some digestion issues post-surgery. Fun. 

I looked up the side effects for my coming chemo. It looks like they will be pretty manageable compared to last time. At least I won't lose as much hair. 

It was a nice weekend. Friends and family were abundant.  Our friend Don showed up on Friday afternoon with 2 pizzas and wine. I never turn away either. He even did the dishes. He said he'd called but I'm very bad about contact with the outside world these days. 

On Saturday, Sheri and George brought lunch and oysters. Vera dropped by with food and stayed for tea. On Sunday, Amy dropped by with food and stayed for tea. Deanna and Joe came by last night for dinner. They did the dishes, too. And piano practice with George and Cole. We said goodbye to Joe who takes himself back to Wisconsin on Tuesday to live. We'll miss him.

I am trying to savor the time before chemo, but I'm still having trouble walking up the stairs. I was able to write today, but still have trouble walking down the stairs to the office. I wish I could use the same patience for myself as I use for Cole's piano practice.

80

We had a function at the park for George's school auction today.  It was nice though my children refused to leave the house. They wanted to "take down" the laundry instead. Gee, thanks.

I was super tired afterwards and lay down with the news (or as HW Bush calls them, "the cables"). I saw a commercial with the song, "When I grow up, I want to be an old lady." It was goofy and sentimental, and it brought tears to my eyes. 

I did a writing exercise many years ago. Imagine yourself at 80. I was happy and wrinkled. I had on a large, floppy hat and a soft cardigan. I was in the garden tending to my flowers. Inside was my partner, nodding off with a book and some tea. Maybe next to the fire. Maybe looking out over the water. I would join him soon, and we would talk seriously and finally laugh.

The next question in the exercise "What do you do now to make that image come true?"

I adjusted the way I lived after that exercise. It was a slight adjustment, but big nonetheless. I bought more floppy hats (just to prepare). I looked for the person who might be sitting in the chair and might make me think and then laugh. I rethought success and happiness.

That image of Tom and me at 80 is something that I hold onto quite tightly. At 20, I could barely imagine being 80 and now it is something of which I dream might come true.