Las Vegas - LAX

Las Vegas

I spent 5 days in Vegas once. It was Comdex, and I was working for a start up technology company in Sausalito. For 48 hours, we thought this place was awesome. It had cheap rooms (even if the company was paying), free drinks all night for girls with company money for gambling, great pools, crazy sites, luxury everything. It was the golden age of Silicon Valley and we thought the money would never dry up…

The problem with working a convention in Vegas is that you are awake during the day. You see the people up at 7:00 am, sitting at their stools with their beers in their hands, mechanically sticking quarters into the machines. You see the hang overs doing the walk of shame. You see the dirt that gets hidden by the night and the neon. It’s not pretty.

Why were we going? It was directly on our route. Tom had not been since he was a boy, and even though it’s not really a kid’s town, they’d have fun. We chose Excalibur because it had lots of kid friendly stuff, great pools and was $55 a night.

The kids were definitely loving the castle and knight theme. George most of all, since it is his middle name. He IS a Knight.

The start to our stay was the breakfast buffet, which was unfortunate. It was one of those places you see in grade B mobster movie. A nice Italian girl gets married to a mobster but doesn’t know. It has mirrors and gold, stinky carpet with a floral pattern, and rounded booths (which Cole always likes because they are shaped like a ‘C’).

I got up to explore and got stuck in an omelette line. He was pretty cool.. the omelette guy. He had 6 pans going at once. One know-it-all guy threw down 3 bucks. What did that mean? All of us in line wondered. This guy was kind of confident… at least when it came to eggs. Should I put down money? I’d just paid too much for the breakfast I felt. These rules were different. I’d once gone to a Brooklyn wedding in a room like this and the couple went around hugging people and receiving cash and checks. I gave them Twister and whipped cream. It was the only tangible present.

What were these rules? I never know what I should tip a bell boy, and as a result I run – really – when I see them approach.  I hate not knowing the rules. I feel like George. In the South, the women always exit first. A man will catch the door, get the door, stop the door. It’s a rule. I don’t quite get it, but I can count on it. No wonder George and Cole get overwhelmed on the playground with the rules.

We couldn’t decide what to do after the buffet, so we went to the pool. It was not one pool but four. The kids were in heaven. I asked Tom to wait on the Tournament of Kings tickets because I’d seen them cheaper online – a vague memory of a discount coupon. I checked online, did research and then with his persistence at the reception desk, we ended up saving $170. We also got free drinks and two free spa days to boot. I was drinking my almost free fru fru frozen drink and feeling good with the good life (even if it was not exactly my particular kind of GOOD life) when I felt something below me. George had climbed under my chair and was now demanding I move because I was inhibiting his privacy. I moved to the next lounge chair and was just getting settled again when Tom showed up with the Tournament of Kings tickets and a package for Cole from his cousin Irv. Cole watched as I opened it, unable to believe until he saw that this was, in fact, All Bown Ki’y, whom he had not seen for two weeks. He grabbed his cat and hugged it. Kissed it. Made its goofy face by squeezing its eyes on the sides. He was so happy that when I looked at Tom and saw the tears in his eyes, I realized I was crying too. Cole lay under his towel hugging his kitty.

Later, George admitted that he’d missed ABK too. He’d even helped Cole write a letter to Santa Claus to help find ABK.  We all discussed how when someone you love loves someone, then you love that someone too.

We all napped.  And when we woke up George resumed his seat on the window ledge. It looked out over the Vegas strip and onto New York New York’s roller coaster. We were on level 23 so it was a nice view. We got out of the room slowly and then sought out the M & M store because it was close by. I’d heard about sculptures or some such thing and so had Tom. It would be easy to do before dinner. There was no sculpture. There were 4 floors of crappy merchandise screaming BUY ME with the M&M logo on each one.

There were duvet covers and throw pillows in pink silk embroidered with hella happy M & Ms. It’s all a kind of brainwashing. “Come kids. Be happy. Think fun. Have fun in store with logo. See logo think happy. Buy. Buy. Buy. It will make you happy.” There was a weird journey thought the making an M&M. We skipped the free movie. We’d seen enough propaganda with Presidents.  Does everything in this country have to be sold?

Las Vegas is the grown-up brainwashing. “Come stay cheaply in a hotel pretending to be something else. Drink the Koolaid that makes you feel funny and happy (for some people). Spend. Spend. Spend. Buy. Buy. Buy.”

Tom and I knew going into this that Las Vegas was not going to be our town, so it feels pretty dull to just slam it. We tried to enjoy it. At least Las Vegas isn’t trying to be anything other than what it is.

And let it be proclaimed, the Tournament of Kings was awesome. It was perfect for our kids and goofy fun for us. It had great stage combat, real men on horses clanging swords on shields, real dirt, “real” jousting (break-away lances)… Cole acted out the stage combat next to me. George was riveted. Adeline cuddled close while taking everything in.

We had the naughty Russian king who was, even Tom admitted, very handsome and charismatic. He made it fun to yell and cheer. Afterwards the boys patted the horses and posed with the blondie, new (yawn boring) king. He was pretty self-involved and always playing with his hair. The squire muscle men were much cooler.

We had to pass the kids arcade to get back to our room and therefore got stuck. George and Cole won a monkey while fishing. Daddy won a teddy bear, which Adeline immediately grasped to her and called “Dog.” We dragged them away but they escaped and tried out their knight moves on the hotel hallway carpet. Finally they slept.

Day Two Vegas

We woke up early for Vegas and late for us. The kids played around, jumping and standing on the window ledge. Just for the hell of it, Tom checked, and… the window slid right open. I was frozen. Tom grabbed the kids. We both felt physically sick just thinking of what could have happened 23 stories up. We sent for an engineer who said the window stops after a few inches with a child lock. But it hadn’t.  No more kids near the window,

We had promised the kids a circus at Circus Circus, which is famous for free circus shows every half an hour. We drove there because the kids would never make it there walking, but not before having a grown-up fight. The neighbors heard us, no doubt, but I figured it was payback fro the drunk screamining the night before. I can’t remember exactly what the fight was about other than being tired and stretched too thin.

Circus Circus was not the answer. We had to drag the kids through half a mile of lighty, blinky, flashy, talkie, buy me! things and then up a rounded ramp, through an arcade and into some seats. It was a one woman aerial show, and she was bad. She had a weird triangular cage thing which she did bad pageant ballet on. Her costume had unexplained plush, pointy spikes on it, one coming directly out of her chest.

The kids had to be dragged from the arcade for lunch. Tired of the many meals of just plainly bad food, we headed for the Bellagio. If there was good food to be had in Vegas, it would be there. I’ve never been to the Bellagio, but it was a completely different world. Firstly, there were no slot machine football fields to greet you as you entered. You had to look for the casino and at its entrance was a classical pianist playing a Steinway in a tux (very different from the sparkling bikini girl dancing on the main bar in Excaliber).  The carpet didn’t stink. The garden court had cool glass flower sculptures and garden animals made elaborately out of flowers. There were hot air balloons up on the beautiful art deco glass ceiling. I still don’t exactly know what it all meant, but it was a welcome change to Circus Circus. There was no blinky, blinky and as a result, I think, the kids and parents relaxed a bit.

We had a good lunch overlooking the garden. What great luck! We thought. It turns out there was a fountain show happening so that not many people were inside, which was perfect for us.

George walked around with me while everyone else napped. We walked down the strip and people in “GIRLS: to your door in 20 minutes or less” shirts slapped their wrists twice whenever a person passed and handed a card to them. They’d slap their wrists but pull their hand away when they saw George. We were looking for a short sleeve shirt for Tom, which is harder than you think in Vegas… most of the shirts are, frankly, a bit rude. I HEART TO FART or TELL YOUR TITS TO STOP STARING AT MY EYES. Are those really the big sellers?  Why? I saw a “Sale” sign in a men’s store and went in. “What does that say”” asked George looking at the sign. “Sale.” I said. “The clothes are on sale.” “Aren’t all the clothes on sale if they are in a store?” Excellent point. It was a long walk. We had to find a bathroom for George every block or so, and he is not inclined to walk quickly when he has a lot of questions.

When we got back to the Excalibur, Tom was in the pool with Adeline and Cole who hadn’t napped for long . As we arrived, Adeline was in her lady bug raft at the base of the slide with Tom. I waved hi. Tom looked up at us and asked how it went.  As we were talking, apparently, Cole had come down the slide. There was just this little boy swimming, his head just underwater. He had complete trust that his Daddy would scoop him up, so he just kept dog-paddling along. Tom said later that it occurred to him that he should help this little boy, whoever he is.  It was only when he lifted him out of the water, that we realized it was Cole.  Cole came out, took a deep breath, and shouted, “Again!”

I suddenly realized that my wallet was gone. Tom got on the phone to the credit card company. We thought it had been stolen when I got Adeline and Cole out of the water, but then I remembered Dick’s, the casino bar (“Shame o’ the strip” is its tagline). I was going to buy some water there while George used the bathroom (it was the only bathroom I could find). It was his last bathroom break before the pool. I ran back. “Yeah we have it. Go find Taco.” “Taco? Who’s Taco?” “You know Taco.” “No, I really don’t.” She looked at me funny and then told me to follow her. We went through the entire large bar that drifts inside and outside; upstairs and downstairs. Whenever we would see someone, she would ask, “Have you seen Taco?” Not only did everyone know who Taco was, but everyone had just seen him. Who is this Taco? I wondered.

As we came back down a spiral staircase, someone on a loudspeaker said, “We’ve got a bride-to-be in the house.” My guide stopped to listen. I looked at her strangely. “That’s Taco.” She whispered. A charismatic, funny guy pulled 2 women in their chairs back to back. They both had on pope-sized paper hats on their heads with rude sayings. Everyone was laughing. My guide called over Taco. “She’s the one with the wallet.” “Actually she’s the one without it,” Taco retorted. He went through my wallet asking me random questions about my husband’s mothers last name and all the numbers of my credit card backwards. He then made me buy a drink. I got it in a plastic black cowboy boot (I figured the boys would like it) and he poured in an extra shot. Great. Luckily Tom helped me drink it.

We had planned on a fountain show somewhere to which we would take the metro – the kids had been begging for a train ride – but with no nap, the kids were exhausted. We opted for the one stop, free metro ride to the Mandalay Bay Hotel.  Cole found all of his pajamas (7 days worth) and put them all on, with Spiderman on top. He called himself Fat Spiderman. His arms were so fat he couldn’t put them by his side. It was a good Chinese meal, although our kids made a mess, broke a glass and climbed up into the center of group of booths at the center of the restaurant.

We had joked about getting a babysitter for a night. We’d gotten one in NYC for 2 nights. She had been used as a daytime babysitter for a friend who recommended her. She seemed very steady and strong. George told us later at East Hampton that she shook Adeline when Adeline wouldn’t stop crying. We’d told the babysitter to call if Adeline got upset, but the sitter was proud and wouldn’t. George told us that he and Cole peeked from the bedroom and saw her shaking and shouting at Adeline. She also apparently shut Cole in the bathroom when he was upset. George said he hid under the covers so that she wouldn’t get mad at him.

When we heard this, we were freaked out. We’d never had an experience like this. George was the only one who would talk about it, so we kept asking him questions which may have seared the whole episode in his mind more then it should have been. We asked them all if they’d liked her after the first night, and they were all fine with it. No alarm bells went off. We felt awful. Obviously we weren’t going to leave our kids with a stranger again even if we REALLY needed a break. We might have ended up with one of the Girls in 20 minutes who was looking for cash on the side…

Out. Out. Of Las Vegas we went. There had been this huge city in the middle of nowhere that was created by someone’s dream. Bugsy was it? And here it was bigger than ever. I liked the American dream part and it was easy for Tom to see in it the deadend of the Gold Rush. There is a long American tradition of luck in fortune (with rather poor odds) and a potentially big pay off. My family came out for the Gold Rush but got wise and started a water business – the Sacramento water channels – to get those miners water. I must have inherited the water gene instead of the gold gene, as I have no interest in gambling. Between Tom and me, we spent exactly zero on slot machines. In some class I once studied the statistical chances of winning back your money in a slot machine and haven’t been close to one since.

We drove quickly to Nixon’s Library. We were flying out of LAX to France and had one last President to see. We had planned to see Reagan’s library too, but we wouldn’t be able to. (And since it isn’t a childhood home, and we saw those in Illinois, it is not necessary… but it did start the idea for this entire trip… so it somehow seems somewhat appropriate that it was the only library we missed).

Nixon’s library was fascinating. There was supposed to be an exhibit on Watergate that was truthful-ish, but it was closed for renovation. President Nixon was alive during the library’s opening, and the museum is filled with volunteers who still worship him. Do they not realize that he was a criminal? The only President to resign the office? Nixon was the king of the comeback, and it seemed that he was still trying to make his comeback even to his death.

Even with those who worked there (and some near the entrance from the parking lot who eyed us suspiciously due to our Obama sticker), didn’t see the irony in the joke Nixon items available in the bookshop… the finger lights for breaking and entering, the mousepads with Nixon and a decked-out Elvis shaking hands, etc…

The kids and I got a snack at the cafeteria while Tom snooped around. George was having a naughty moment and ran away “Looking for Daddy.” I couldn’t find him anywhere and enlisted the help of the volunteers. When he surfaced, laughing, I was livid. I have never been so mad and worried, and George knew it. He walked obediently with me outside to see Nixon’s childhood home and helicopter.

When we opened the door to the beautiful garden, pool, park, we walked into the middle of wedding photos. Adeline was actually in the photo with the bride and I had to move her. There was a white iron arbor that had been strategically placed in the park between the museum and childhood home as well as rows and rows of white plastic chairs. Men in slightly dated tuxedos and women in heels sat along the reflecting pool. Who would have their wedding here? And when the museum is still open and people can just wander into the photos. It was just strange.

We toured the house quickly. It was a quick tour, and the kids were doing anything I asked of them (they were a little scared of me). We exited the house and into yet another photo with the bride. Adeline became a nuisance when she kept chasing the Nixon cat into ever photo the photographer was taking. I dragged her to the helicopter where she sat down everywhere she was not allowed to sit on the helicopter. “I understand,” said the nervous volunteer for the twentieth time. “I was once a preschool teacher.”

We stayed near LAX, and the highlight was a visit from Grandma and Poppy. The kids were beyond excited. It was only a few hours and left us all longing for more, but we took what we could get! They then very graciously drove our supermobile back to Berkeley for us, where it will be waiting.

Bon Voyage! We leave for France! Internet options will be minimal and chances to post will be almost impossible. We get back on August 31 and Batmom will be back then!

(Pictures will come at a later stage. Please check back with us... me).

Comments

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