We set up Adeline's big girl bed today. We were excited to show her the rabbits in the bed frame, but she was convinced that we were trying to make her nap. She "helped" daddy set it up and bounced on the bed with us. She stood so tall next to it. And either Tom or I said, "Look honey, she's our baby."
I remember when she was first put next to me in the hospital. She meowed quietly when she came out... little did we know this little lady was anything but quiet (except during tantrums). And here she was moving into a big girl bed. I felt it was too early. Tom wanted a bed for her. I got the bed (found it on Craig's List). I assumed we would wait, but then we'd have to store it and unstore it. So we put the bed up. We didn't have sheets or a comforter or even extra blankets that fit the bed (currently all twin items are being used by the boys). I wanted to be prepared and have a plan and slowly move into the big girl bed phase.
Like all things in parenting, there is no real preparation. It just happens and you must adjust. I didn't think she would actually want to go in the bed tonight or if she did, I knew she wouldn't really fall asleep, but she did. She's in there with a mountain of stuffed animals surrounding her (she insisted) and is happily, sweetly, easily asleep.
Hmm.
When Tom called down to me that he had put the bed together, she told me to "Come see, Mommy." I opened the door to her room and there she stood, my big girl, my baby, my last child. It threw me. I was done being a mother to babies. Don't get me wrong... that brings relief in some ways... but oh what a beautiful, beautiful time it has been. Soon I won't be able to carry her in the pack anymore or on my hip (that time is close as my body is tired) and she won't throw herself into my arms when she gets an ouchy (though the boys still do) and she won't be so excited by a half a croissant and some agua from a real glass.
The words that Tom spoke soon after our good news this week came to me: "We don't have to worry about you seeing her graduate from high school." Growing up is good and natural and also beautiful. I want to see her grow.
I think right now of Lilo and Francis with their new baby Gabriel. I want to say, "Enjoy!" but as you survive it, you do. I think of our nanny Lucia, who is having to make tough decisions about her mother's health and future. Life cycles. Cancer has helped me better accept those cycles.
Still... the outstretched chubby arms insisting "I carry you"... I'm going to miss those.
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