BATMOM

Grow, grow, go, GO

The plan is as we thought... we wait. We wait for the cancer to grow. Ho hum. It seems odd to let what we don't want in me, grow. Grow, grow, go, GO. We wait six weeks for a new PET scan and then operate. Meanwhile, I'll have an endoscopy to see if we can find out why my lymphs in the pelvic area were swollen. That worries me a bit.

Yesterday, I had a "Me" day. I had a manicure and pedicure with an awesome massage (it's the best part really) arranged by and with Rebecca, my sister-in-law. We then went out for lunch which included lemon curd (yum). 

Today, Adeline had her first dance class. She was the only girl not in ballet shoes and a tutu, but she didn't mind. She was also the youngest. She wasn't sure (or didn't care) what her favorite color was (is). She didn't know much about princesses. She wasn't even sure what twirling was, but she got the hang of it anyhow and twirled and twirled and twirled. And by golly, when the teacher asked her to ball up her scarf and kick it (she did demand a black scarf which had to be dug out and found), she was the first to kick it across the dance floor.

When I asked her if she liked dance class as I put her to bed, she stared at me and nodded aggressively. I described all the exercises teacher had done with her. She listened closely with wide eyes and sucked on her pacifier. 

I hate to think of my hospital stay and scaring the kids again. I hate to think of PET scan tubes and endoscopy gowns. For now I am grateful that Adeline has learned to twirl, and I have pretty toes again.

Happy Weekend

This was a weekend of local adventures. First to Stinson Beach on Saturday. George and Cole raced the waves with Daddy. Adeline buried herself in sand, and then insisted on climbing to the top of the dunes. George and Cole followed. 

 "What are they doing?" said George (Obi-Wan Kenobi) in a low voice to Cole (Luke Skywalker)... presumably he was talking about the bad guys or so I thought until I saw a disheveled teenage couple rise up next to to the Jedi Knights. Cole was naked by this point, having gone "down" in the surf, and decided to roll down the dune, Star Wars style. George rolled quickly after him, leaving behind the befuddled teenage couple (they were about to "resume" when a Park Ranger began questioning them). 

The Jedi Knights rolled into a pale, curly-haired nerd (i.e. former Star Wars fanatic) and his sexy bikini girlfriend. Naked Cole crashed into him. George wondered why the lady laughed.

Sunday was a beautiful day in Marshall with Grandma and Poppy. George and Grandma found a HUGE bull kelp. They had to call Poppy to help pull it out, and when laid out, it stretched the length of the deck. Poppy, a former trumpet player, first asked George if he had permission to cut it (which I thought was very nice and pleased George). He then cut it and began to play it. It sounded like a French horn. George, an amateur didgeridoo player himself, took a turn and played it proudly.

All in all it was a happy weekend.

Daddy's House

Here is the garden that Tom built for us. Adeline calls it "Daddy's house."  It's become important to all of us. Babu funded it for Tom's Christmas present. Tom designed and built it. Tom's parents and sister's family gave the dirt and seeds. George and Tom carried the dirt. The boys planted the seeds, and we're all watching them grow.

Soon we'll eat from it!

I have no idea...

I really have no idea (note Batman hat and Spiderman shorts).

Wrestling at Natural Grocery

They seemed happy and agreeable upon pick-up. I thought that a quick stop at Natural Grocery was within the boundaries of sanity. Besides, they have a play house and kid shopping carts.

Besides almost rolling everyone down (Adeline), jumping in a plastic cart smaller than him and tipping it over (Cole), and knocking down a lotion display (George chasing Cole who'd robbed him of his cart), Cole and George got into a wrestling match in the vitamin section. I was paying at the time (and holding Adeline so she wouldn't run off again) when a clerk came running. "They're getting into it." "Getting into what?"

Cole had George pinned down on the green carpet. George kicked Cole and made Cole cry. George jumped up to see a very angry mother. We were all escorted out by a clerk who said she understood because she was also a mother (but she seemed to be saying she was a "better" mother). Ah well.

Negativo

The biopsy was negative we happily found out today. This is, obviously, good news but questions remain about why the lymph nodes lit up. We talked through chemo options but think the plan will be to wait for the liver spots to grow and then surgically remove them a few months from now. After surgery we will determine if chemo is a necessary step (determined by what the surgeon finds).

We feel a sense of relief... though tentatively... as it seems we are not traveling into a whole new mess of cancer, just finishing the kicking ass of an old one.

Whew!

I thank you all for your support and comments and emails.

Avocado Sandwich

I haven't been feeling well the past few days. I keep wondering if I'm coming down with something... and then I remember that I'm waiting... The pathology report on my biopsy was not in today. We meet with my oncologist tomorrow and still may not have the report. I hate the "well, if..." and "if not," as if cancer is like rain. 

I've been trying to find healthy food that agrees with me. There's not much of it. I made a meal for the family on Sunday and then realized I could eat none of it, so I whipped up an avocado sandwich on an english muffin. Cole always surveys everyone's plates for what he might enjoy more (or maybe just to make sure he's not getting gypped). He eyed my avocado sandwich.

"I want that."

My initial reaction was to move it on the other side of me and scream, "I've FINALLY found something I can eat... please don't take it away." My second reaction was to rejoice in something green (besides frozen peas) that Cole would eat. My third was "Why do all of my children really want to eat what I really want to eat?" But what I actually said was, "You can have an avocado sandwich. I'll make you one." 

Having achieved, almost too easily, his goal, Cole equivocated. 

"I want an avocado sandwich, but without the avocado."

I started to laugh. So did George.

"And some jelly."

"Let me get this straight. You want an avocado sandwich, only with no avocado and some jelly on it."

George can hardly breathe he's laughing so hard. Cole is focused on the goal. 

"Yes." He has that I'm-so-reasonable-and-yes-innocent look.

"You cannot have jelly on an english muffin for dinner."

"No. NO. Avocado sandwich."

Damn, he's good.

Regular Folks

... So Tom and I are just a couple-a regular folks waiting for some news that we try not to think about too much. Tom's been writing, and I've been getting ready for the boys' school auction. We're so normal. I spent all night rolling truffles to put at the auction tables (she's domestic, too!) I wore a ruffly pokla-dotted apron...

So the news should come in on Monday. We meet with docs Tuesday. And we'll see how things change with that... until then, I'll admire my henna tattoo for tomorrow's auction and obsess about the shoes 

(why not?).

Hugs

I did not meet with my oncologist. She was running late, and we had to get to my biopsy appointment. Without the results from the biopsy, it would all be speculation anyway. We rescheduled for next Tuesday when we do have them.

So I had the biopsy. Dr. Kim, my colorectal surgeon, told Tom that what he sampled was soft and did not seem like cancer. We are not doing any victory laps.... we need definitive results from the biopsy. But, oh, I hope he's right.

I don't know why Tom and I were so surprised when Cole had many accidents in his pants today. Of course he was thrilled to go to Grandma's house today, but the routine was off and I'm sure he's picked up on his parents' vibe. I'm sure he's heard the words "cancer" and "chemotherapy" again. And he's probably seen Mommy or Daddy shed a few tears.

When he got home, I took off his wet pants and shirt, and he sat naked in my lap for a long time needing "hugs." I've been to some dark parts of my brain this week and I was in desperate need of those hugs myself.

Some fast footing dancing. It makes me smile.

The True Drug

Today I do not feel like the good little soldier. I drank a beer at 4:55 and then a good dose of wine. At some point in the afternoon I had a Percocet (yes, my wound is almost closed but still hurts occasionally) and I look forward to my Ativan when I get upstairs (a girl has to relax and sleep occasionally). I don't feel generous. I feel angry and tired and overwhelmed and very, very bitter. Now I know why people become drug addicts. Dull the pain. 

I am so completely terrified. Tomorrow, yes, I meet with my oncologist. Also, as of this afternoon, directly after meeting with my oncologist I will meet with my colorectal surgeon for a biopsy on that probably-not-cancer-but-lit-up-in-the-PET lymph node. If by some nightmare the damn thing is cancerous, I not only get the radiation I got to skip last summer, but some more chemo (which seems a bit like a dose of Castor Oil at this point) AND the permanent return of the elegant ileostomy bag. Then, after all that, I would get to have the surgery to remove the lymph node and remove the spot on the liver. 

I debated whether to confess about the possible return of the ileostomy bag... it's the southern belle in me... but I suppose I'm way beyond that at this point. 

I keep waiting for things to go back to normal. I know I keep writing that because I still stupidly think that it's somehow going to happen. At some point, I have to start waiting for the end of scares and more chemo and just figure out how to work my life with my family and kids around it. 

Of course I'm not giving up. I'm not so courageous as people imply. I simply don't know how to do it. Every ounce of me feels pissed and angry right now and I guess I just have to let that serve me. 

And then 2 minutes later, I hear a snore in one or more of the monitors. Better yet, I have a run in with Yoda (or a Transformer in a purple velvet, leopard-trimmed cloak sucking on a red popsicle), Batman (or Buzz Lightyear with pink kittie boots) and/or toddler in a tutu, black batman stocking cap, pink sunglasses, and red spiderman shorts (or a Merlin hat, a Superman shirt around your neck, one Croc of your big brother and dinosaur pants... calling herself Superman). I can't stay angry long because they just bring too much joy... thank goodness for the young Clydes. They are the true drug.

 

Screenwriter in the Audience

Tom and I just got back from a Cal Performances lecture with Ang Lee in conversation. Ah, if I could only just worry about art and not, well, other stuff. For a few moments anyway...

We talk about the new development, but it doesn't seem real. If only it weren't. We meet with Dr. Bergsland on Wednesday and then we'll know more. more. more. 

Until then, I've gone into preparation mode. I'm cleaning and organizing and planning menus and what to freeze and... URGH... 

At least I was sitting next to my honey, holding his hand and for a few moments was just another aspiring screenwriter in the audience.