Today was hard. I ended up on the couch watching America's Next Top Model. Really.
My wound nurse told me to slow down, lie down and watch bad TV. So I did. Whenever I watch bad television, I end up dreaming about it. It is such a lesson... the ICK we put in our brain (even if we're just trying not to think about the pain) is NOT benign. That ICK not only takes up space, it also gives the unjudgemental brain information to spin and whirl and "think" about. I feel a little sick to my stomach when I wake up trying to remember what important dream I was just having and realizing that it involved the latest Project Runway winner. I'm out if the habit of reading right now as I had trouble with it during chemotherapy. I would get a headache... no excuse any more... But I also need to forgive myself for just being a couch potato when I don't feel well.
I've also been feeling very stagnant artistically right now and have been feeling a little blue (or more like a feather gray). I can't set a writing routine and I'm anxious. I'm in a new script and trying to do a rewrite... only I don't seem to be doing any actually writing.
I am feeling much better tonight. Perhaps the unofficial "State of the Union" that Obama gave, helped (he rocks).
The nurse gave me a scare about a swollen lymph node which prompted calls to my oncologist. We're 99% sure it's nothing (both the nurse and Tom and I), but we panic these days. I see one of my oncologists next week anyway, but we don't wait and wonder anymore, we act and move. So we did. I hope I can sleep through the night.
On second thought, maybe I do want Tyra Banks in my dreams tonight!
Don't forget that the most productive time in a human's life is when they are babies. They sit and stare and dream and get lost in their baby thoughts without judgement as to when or where or why they start to speak or move or "produce" in any way. Writing ain't just typing little black squiggles into your computer. Go get lost! smooch jenna
Posted by: Jenna | February 25, 2009 at 01:52 AM
Oh, sweetie...your body is still healing. Let it do it's work. Be very gentle with yourself. What may not seem immediately productive to your brain may actually be very productive for your body. This grayness will pass, I guarantee it. And, as far as trash TV is concerned, Project Runway and America's Top Model are two of my faves! It has it's place in the universe. Thinking of you always...sending you warm hugs and love to you and your brood.
Lilo
Posted by: Lilo | February 28, 2009 at 07:24 AM