Today it was all about my body. Disgusted by it. Loving it. Thanking it. Disgusted by it again. It is so foreign to me these days... my body. Scars and scars and scars and plastic foot long bags hanging off of my belly... part of my intestine sticking out next to my belly button (called a "stoma," doesn't make it any better). Rashes, gashes, and swollen feet pads...
And then I remember what my body is doing. It's fighting for survival. It's trying to thrive in the worst of conditions and succeeding. And I thank it. I try so hard not to lose two more pounds each chemo round. There's a whole new world of what is good for me with my new plumbing. Not brown rice, white rice. No greens, meat. This defies all I've ever been told. I feel like I'm being evil to my body when I have sugar and yet, I'm supposed to be gaining weight. I don't need more guilt right now. I'm trying to eat and keep anything down. I try to eat well. Honestly, I don't need any more evil looks and disapproval from my nutritionist. Urgh.
Tomorrow to the zoo with candy and ice cream. Yum...
Sugar. It does a body good. Fear not, eat a lot.
Posted by: jennananananaaaa | August 01, 2008 at 11:17 PM
The way I figure it, out bodies are at battle stations and we have to do (and eat) whatever works for us at the time to get through this.
Once chemo is over and plumbing is hooked back up, then we can start over with good nutrition, assuming we still remember what that's like. ;)
This is all temporary. We just have to grind it out and get through it. :)
Posted by: brigita | August 02, 2008 at 05:08 AM
Thank you, Brigita! I need confirmation these days (not guilt). I got a massage today as a treat to my bod... lovely.
Renee
Posted by: Renee Clyde | August 03, 2008 at 04:18 PM
Your body has a wisdom that your nutritionist doesn't seem to understand. Eat what you want. Trust your body. It's gotten you this far, cancer and all.
I know you've always been a little self conscious about your scars, particularly since your skin holds on to them in a prominent way. I remember the first time you explained your scars to me (the ones you had back then in early '90's when we met). I learned so much incredibly important stuff about you right then and there! And now there are more: happy scars, sad scars, ambivalent scars. If art is life, you are a living work of art, my friend.
With love....
Lilo
That picture of Adeline is precious. Her face is really changing!
Posted by: Lilo | August 04, 2008 at 07:20 AM