BATMOM

Persimmon

We will have been in our house for 4 years come June, and the dining room walls are still blank. We have oil portraits of unhappy-looking almost relatives (by marriage) of Tom's that currently rest on a small Morroccan table in the corner. I sometimes put plates on the sideboard for decoration but am mostly afraid of boys, balls and earthquakes. 

I have pieced together all of the scraps of material I considered using as the drapes or tablecloth in the room. I thought I might make them a mural. But my ideas for the room were all over the place and together they made me uncomfortable. I thought maybe I'd learn to weld and weld together cutlery that doesn't match but that we keep anyway. And we'd laugh when Tom or I would say, "Use your fork!" And George, Cole or Adeline would say "Which one?" and point to the ridiculous wall art. But we don't have enough random cutlery to make it a big enough piece. Five forks, a stray knife and a random spoon is not a particularly strong statement. When you start buying cutlery to create such a piece... well, it just seems sad.

I also considered using Tom's childhood rubber band collection. It's in an old canvas draw-string bag from the 70s, and it mysteriously survived all these decades. Tom emptied it out on the floor with great enthusiasm one day, and the children tried their best to be encouraging. It is colorful and definitely weird, but now it sits among their toys in one of the play drawers, untouched.  I have thought of putting it on a funky pedestal or making a design on canvas with it. But I'm a little nervous that some of the very old rubber bands might break, and who could handle the wrath of a husband should his rubber bands break?

Last week I thought I wanted a beautiful painting of a persimmon. If I could find something to go on the wall that is as beautiful as this persimmon (I thought last week at Berkeley Bowl), that would be good. It needs to be as happy making as a persimmon but not a persimmon unless it's an extraordinary persimmon.... if you know what I mean.

Tom dreamt of hanging a painting of a Clyde Lines Ship "The Iroquois" by Antonio Jacobsen. But then he inquired with a Marine Arts gallery about the price. Now he's rooting for words or thoughts of interest that we add with stencils as inspired. 

Canvases were on sale so I bought 2. They're in the dining room awaiting a medium while I await yet more inspiration. I have a feeling this could go on for a very, very long time which, honestly, is kind of interesting. 

Snow President

We have started a "thank you" moment before we eat. We're not religious so saying grace doesn't work, but dinner is a special time for our family and we wanted to honor the blessings that we feel each day. 

The first few times, Tom and I struggled with some benign thank yous (the Earth, family, friends, the sun, water... you get the idea). Then the kids took over. George is particularly vigilant about giving thanks. He never forgets. And he never forgets... loudly. As we sit down he shouts, "We have to do the thanks!" He usually starts by thanking the cook, which Babu and I like. He gently and seriously thanks the food for letting us eat it (green beans do feel!). On Monday, Cole thanked for the first time. He raised himself on his knees in his chair (which he does often) and thanked the snow president (which he does not). After clinking our glasses (a very important part) we all smiled and consulted one another. "What did he say?" "A snow president?" "What's he talking about?"

 And then Tom figured it out. Cole was thanking George Washington.

As many Batmom readers know, Tom, the kids and I traveled across country this summer to visit the childhood homes of 40 of the 44 presidents. The kids were dragged through many, many house tours (sometimes literally dragged) and were told many, many times not to touch anything. Finally, we went to Mount Vernon. The movie theatre seats vibrated when the cannons fired. There were sword fights and acrobatic deaths. And the ceiling rained snow that fell into the laps of our mesmerized sons. Now this was good.

Adeline did her first thanks tonight. She also gave thanks to the snow president... "and Cole." She was sitting across the table from her big brother, and she smiled at him. 

Phone

I am feeling better after the decision to slow down everything. I am still fighting anxiety, but don't feel as unstable as I did last week. I even picked up the phone to make doctors' appointments... last week I couldn't even answer the phone let alone manage a call. I am sitting in Purgatory, which is a far nicer place than hell. 

Today was supposed to be domestic day with Adeline, but I was up from 4 am. Mom took her on a walk and to the toy store. Instead of the nap I intended, I wrote. Post nap (hers), we had a lovely time. She demanded stories from Tom and insisted on "shopping for groceries" with me.

I am very moved by friends and family who have reached out to me in the past week. I have saved messages with friend's voices and even if I don't replay them, I like knowing they are there. I have read Tom the beautiful and often wise emails. The emails and comments lift him, too.

I can feel my strength returning along with my sanity. I look forward to venturing our of my lioness den (power animal. guided imagery. it works for me.) and mingling. Now that I can use a phone again, perhaps I can even return your call.

Magic Table and Leaning

Today was another tough day. I am trying to lift myself out of this funk. I went off of one of my antibiotics because I was throwing up. Maybe that will help.

If not for the kids, I would probably be watching the television show options scroll by on the guide. Instead, I got up and drove to a field trip with George's class. I tried to take George to his piano lesson but had another anxiety attack. I have always said that my mind was delicately balanced. And I feel that now more than ever.

Tom and I did decide that we will not go forward with chemotherapy right now. I will likely decide to pursue it again in a few weeks, but right now I am in no emotional state to take it on. Tom points out that my surgery was only just a month ago. I'm not allowed to do yoga yet but I am allowed to do chemo? He also reminded me that in our system we take care of the physical body (worry about the red blood cell count, etc.) but not always the mind (also part of the body I might add).

Adeline came into our bed to snuggle after her nap. She still had on a rainbow fairy princess dress that Grandma let her borrow. Tom brought us Rice Crispies and bananas (easy on my belly) on a tray that we call the Magic Table. We ate and snuggled, and she put purple hair bands in my hair (okay... so on my head). 

 

George told me about his piano lesson, and that he's started learning notes on the staff. Babu taught him to really read last week in just a few hours... so I guess he was ready! I seem to have missed a lot this past week. 

Cole came home with green hair. He just got paint in it, he said, and then demonstrated putting a paintbrush on his head. He requested a piano "lesson" with me which I always try to honor (and always have thus far). As I've said before, piano lessons with 4 year old boys require much patience. I don't think he's getting something or listening at all, but the next day he remembers all the half notes we worked on the day before. Today, I learned that he learns the exercises much more easily if I play next to him. Interesting... 

My favorite part of piano practice with both Cole and George is that when they play the higher notes, they like to lean on me. I know it's bad form, but I feel their body let go and get safe, and I can't move them. They always stay that way for a few minutes after they finish. And I am patient enough to enjoy it myself!

Combat Boots

I had a full on panic attack today. I had one once in 1996, and they are not fun. I thought I was going to lose my mind and my lunch. I was with Tom (thank goodness) who was driving us (thank goodness) to our colorectal cancer support group in Walnut Creek. I had to have Tom drive back home. I was freaking out and not right.

I took some Ativan and went to bed. And felt, spacey, but less insane when I woke up. 

I don't know why this time is so hard. My phobia of needles, ports, injections, IVs has really become a problem... and now add panic attacks to the mix. I'm not entirely sure I can even do chemo without regaining some footing. Do I take a few weeks to regroup? I'm not sure, but am considering it.

Where is the rock solid soldier of myself that got me through this last time?... because I need to borrow her combat boots.

Batman Baby Part 2

In an effort to mother, write, and keep the house clean, Tuesday has become my domestic day. I shop, do laundry, clean, organize... My hope was that I would get enough done on Tuesday to stay above the mess during the week. And not feel confused about office hours on the other days. 

Adeline, Mom, and I did the shopping with Adeline dictating what we buy. She chose pink yogurt, pink vitamins, and the pink soap. Adeline put Batman Baby to sleep in the playhouse outside and called for me (grandmother to Batman Baby, I suppose) to bring appropriate snacks, blankets, beverages, etc... When Batman Baby was finally asleep, I hung laundry while Adeline took a long, loud outside bath. It was a beautiful day and 4 loads of laundry dried in the sun. I love November in the Bay Area!

Babu picked up the boys and took them to karate. Tom and I went to yet another meeting with yet another doctor (this time my East Bay oncologist who will administer my chemo). I will get my port put in this week and probably start chemo on Nov. 16. He admitted that it was a hard call to decide if I would do chemo or not. There's not enough information to say definitively. Tom and discussed it once again in the car driving home, and we agreed that, as much as we don't want to do it, the chemo gives us a Plan B (blast any remaining cancer cells out) to our Plan A (it is all gone already). And it feels right to have a Plan B.

I had to have my blood drawn at the visit. It was after 5:30, so I was escorted into the chemo lab. They sat me in one of those all-too-familiar chemo chairs. I didn't handle it too well. I have a lot of work to do before it begins. 

Happy Weekend

We had a very fun Halloween and birthday weekend. I attempted to dance at a Halloween party with my own Aquaman, but that didn't work so well. I walked too far and for too long trick-or-treating, but had fun with the kids all the same. My Cat woman make up got stuck on my face and it took some serious chemicals to get that stuff off the next day. 

For my birthday, George made me a very thoughtful cool card with the whole family swimming. The other side had the two of us (me and George) having our own special swim with a whale (although Tom confessed it was originally supposed to be a dolphin but George, laughing, said he had no idea how to draw a dolphin so it became a whale). Tom wrote me a poem that made me cry. He also promised wallpaper for the bathroom and tightened my sagging laundry lines.

Mom took us all out to Le Garage in Sausalito for lunch by the boats. We were told by someone special (whom I cannot remember but trusted) to order the mussels which we did. Unfortunately, they were so good the kids ate most of them. Sheri and George and the Tennants joined us in the backyard for cake and champagne. George had organized and rehearsed a play to perform. Of course, his wayward actors (Cole and Adeline) got some diva attitude and refused to be a bad guy monster (Cole) or Princess (Adeline), so Poppy stepped in as the monster, cousin Louisa became the princess, and both Cole and Adeline became "the kitty" who was formally invisible due to lack of acting talent. It was very cute.

And in the evening, Martt (Auntie Mo) helped Mom babysit, and Tom and I snuck away for a movie. It was a full but fun day!

I managed to write today. I'm trying to keep office hours everyday. I hope to continue them, within reason, during chemo. I sat down and couldn't get a word out for 45 minutes or so. But then I churned out 8 pages. It wasn't my best writing but it was very useful, and I am starting to understand my different moods and how to best "use myself" during each mood. I do seem to come in handy sometimes.

I was out late at a doctor's appointment and missed dinner. Cole was not happy with me. "You shouldn't do that Mommy. It's dark outside, and you should not be gone." He's right. It was weird to be out at a doctor at dark. I would have much rather been home.

Batman Baby

I have been somewhat muted the past few days. I have taken Ativan to make me sleep for the past two nights. There were way too many restless nights. And I don't feel myself.

The kids went to Grandmas in the morning, and I don't really know what I accomplished. Laundry, clean up, a shower, and lunch. I tried to write, but I ended up moving the words around on the page.

I spied on Cole and Adeline when we arrived at Grandma's house. They were so sweet and happy playing with each other. Cole was throwing himself on the bed and rolling around in pillows and calling for Adeline to do it as well. He was the Batman baby daddy (Grandma told me). Adeline held the soft Batman doll to her chest and said Batman baby needed to go to sleep. She put him down on the bed for his nap. Batman baby looked strange to me.

Adeline spotted me in the doorway. "He has an owie." Upon closer inspection, Batman was covered in 20+ bandaids.  "He [Batman] did this," said Cole and contorted himself into a very strange position and then threw himself onto the floor. "Ouch," I said, "No wonder he has so many bandaids." Adeline picked her Batman baby up and looked closely at his bandaids. "He has an ouchie. He needs a medicine popsicle."

Adeline was tired and went pretty easily to the car. Cole said he didn't want to leave. In fact, he never wanted to leave. "You want to stay here by yourself." "No!" said Cole, "with Adeline."

Scary

Yesterday the kids went to our friend Kheira's house. There were 10 kids and happy chaos when we arrived from the doctor's office. George had 4 crepes!

Today we carted them off to Santa Cruz. We thought the boardwalk would be open or the train would be running, but everything was closed. It was a sweet trip just the same. We felt like we were back on our summer trip. When we stopped for gas, Cole asked if we were going to our hotel.

I don't have much to say. Everything is sinking in, and I am trying to get appointments scheduled. I am trying to get all of the pediatricians, dentists, classes, etc... into place before I lose all of my energy. I also need to go through my closet and clean it... which is truly scary. 

Meeting

Well, we met with my oncologist today. Chemo will likely begin in the next 2-3 weeks, and it will not be any easier than last time. It's all too much for me to go into much detail right now. Dr. Bergsland reminded us that the chemo makes it about 30% less likely that I have a recurrence. There's no specific evidence for my situation, but she feels strongly that we do all we can to avoid recurrence. I've been focusing on all of the reasons why I hate chemo (there's much to hate), but how can I not do all I can?

I'm still a long way from being prepared, but at least I'm heading in the right direction.

I'm really tired of the sad story. I'm preparing for a fabulously happy, sappy ending to all of this. I just have to rely on myself to write the ending I want.